‘Sweet Opportunity in the State of Denmark!’ by Jason Guder

Oh, I love this McSweeney’s post so much. Written by Jason Guder, it’s an email solicitation from “Mr. Prince Hamlet, rightful heir to the throne of Denmark,” writing with a business opportunity:

My trouble is hard, as you may know from the international media. My father, King Hamlet, was killed via ear poison. His brother Claudius did the ear poisoning and now he has seduced and married my mom, the Queen. I know this to be true because my father’s ghost told me. I tried to revenge my father, but Claudius prayed so I couldn’t. Later I stabbed the wrong man. Now I need your help.

I was fleeing to England with friends, but I found out my friends were to kill me. So instead, I killed them. Now I am on a pirate ship sailing back to Denmark, and I need money to pay the pirates and to get back to Elsinore.

I contact you because I have friends in majesties and other business areas that recommended you. They say you are a GOOD person who likes helping people and GETTING MONEY back from business risks.

Go see how it turns out! Hamlet awaits your urgent reply!